I read these fics and I dream and i realize, while washing the dishes that I'll never have this, never have this love , this life, those kids, this eternity. But i can dream, i have to dream. If i didn't dream i would be dead. I dream; daydream of a beautifulme with a beautiful mate nad i good wondrous life with it's drama, it up's and it' battle but also of it's joy to share it with someone and to feel safe and okay to be yourself without much embarrasement. Where I could take care of soemeone, where i would WANT to take care of seomeone, and where...I hate it when i can't breath, when my heart flutters. And i think that if, when i go, nobody will now for days nad my corpse will have the time to rot before being discovered. One thing is for sure i'll do my damnest to die after my mother and my cats, anybodyu else i don't give a damn if they find my roting corpse in the basement of my house with maggots coming out of my nose.
But there is one thing that i am greatful for, it's that i get to see in real life what i read in fics. It might not happen to me precisely but i get to be in the sidelines nad at least know that these stories are for real. And i have to be thankful for that. I reacord and observe in the shadows nad learn to be content with the knowledge that it does exist out of faery tales.
Sometimes i feel crowded in this house and all i want is a job. It's not only for the financial autonomy, but for the liberation from my mind, just for a while....I need to paint, maybe the mixing of colors are my potions, at least i hope so...
Dream, you have to let me dream, forgive me for my dreams; I know they wont all come true but they help me breath. They comfort me and embrace me like a mother's hug. With them i can continue, i can live on my own, and be healthily dillusional...
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