From Yahoo! Blog to Pitas to this :)

     I just went through my entire blog and wow, have I changed for the better!

I do not want to go back to those years of deep depression, instability and emotional immaturity.

My perspective was really skewered, I skipped over all my achievements; because I did have a lot actually. 

I had victories in the standard understanding of the concept but all my failures were also achievements that molded me, through those humbling lessons, to become the person I am today.

I don't need or want really, I don't talk about my shit to no one and I minimally complain: getting a stable comfortable job with an AWESOME team is wonderful. Getting therapy and doing the work is magical!

Those 2 things are the pillars/core of my life. I've been able to self reflect successfully, to accept the fact that you unlearn as much as you learn in life, to change my habit and behavioral patterns, to take my time for real as I finally understand that you have to periodically change speed depending on which stretch of the road you are. 

I also have to follow my own speed; I am a very late bloomer and mature very slowly mentally and emotionally, which explains why I am always left behind by my peers.

After that, things open up for me so much more easily, thought actually it is just a change of perspective really and having a good dose of serotonin in my brain chemistry that I was severely lacking in my young adult years.

I am centered and stable,

because I have a stable job, a good place to live

it is never about me

I take comfort in being replaceable and forgettable

I am trash and proud of it

I am fluid

I am agender aro/ace with little love to give

My purpose is to the best of my capabilities, to live wisely, kindly, compassionately and to die well,

Therefore, I am centered and stable.

I am a huge control freak and being in control, maintaining control of myself brings me incredible peace. Being brave and courageous and confronting discomfort and pain as gracefully as I can brings me unmeasurable prosperity.

A resume of my years on blogger:

2004 End of university years

• Discovering I am trash and not proud of it
• Envy and desire expressed as sexual angst
• Appropriating others' paths to follow them myself with sure failure
• My first financial debt
• First glimpses that my main parental figure is a flawed being like everybody else

2005 Trying to enter adult life

• Delusion: can't distinguish reality from daydreams (I can't sing, can't do anything "sports" so no wrestling and CWA, can't do sex work (dominatrix training))
• Talking big an doing nothing
• Delusions of importance and grandeur (why I am complaining about reporting my income to my parent when I don't contribute in household finances?)
• Talking big and doing nothing: grossly overrating my energy output capacity.
• Surrounding myself with emotional manipulators that I let prey on my empty husk

2006 Dangerous depression

• Blaming others for my failures 

2013 I looked away from the love of my life

• The beginning of a world changing end
• 2008: Solo backpack traveled for 2 weeks to Romania
• 2008 Solo traveled to Quebec city for a week
• Travel incurred debts that I am still paying today
• Traveled to Jamaica and Florida, for three weeks in total

2022 Doing more than alright, only constant is change so embrace the Chaos

• 2017: lost the third love of my life and learned and processed the lesson :(
• 2018: became a permanent full-timer at my job
• Traveled to Cuba
• 2019: became a permanent full-time HR office clerk
• 2020: lost the fourth love of my life
• 2022: found a descent place to live where I could see myself possibly die in.
• life goes on...

This is a long blogpost but I feel it was needed to structure these moments in my life. A structured mind gives me peace, a somewhat structured environment, more so. I can therefore face Chaos more surely.

Whelp, I'm going to go eat what's left of my oysters. 

Peace out!